Aww(ful) Indy…

One word captures Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – terrible. No, I am not going to couch it. It was really that bad.

I wanted to like it. I really did. On the day it released, I bought my tickets and went for the 11PM show. All I wanted was Indy – the Indy of old. The adventure, the incredible stunts, the light romance, the crazy traps he falls into, the theme music pumping in critical scenes – ta-ta-tuh-taaa, taaa-ta-taaa, ta-ta-tuh-taaa, ta-ta-tuh-tuh-tuh¹. Basically, a good, rollicking, low-brow action flick.

But in one fell swoop, Messrs Lucas and Spielberg not only destroyed my fond hopes, but cast a huge dent in the Indy franchise too.

Where to start?

The story was the primary issue. While all the Indy films have somewhat reality-defying feel to them, this one was over the top. The basic premise is… er… ridiculous. The rest of the plot just seems to be kludged together. Stick in a random native here, put in a random errant truck there. Enough action for this scene? Great, move on. To be fair, there were a couple of touches of traditional Indy – a jeep-fighting sequence, the ant attack and a waterfall sequence that harkened back to the other three installments. But there was too much that felt “forced”.

The acting was another issue. Yes, Indy and co. have always been somewhat corny. But this was over-the-top corny. It was puke-inducing corny. Most of the film is spent with Indy looking at fellow adventurer Mutt Williams (Shia LeBeouf) with an “Aww, I am so proud of you” expression. And Shia LeBeouf cannot act. Cannot. Act. At. All. Cate Blanchett as the baddie was fine. Not good, not bad. Fine.

Oh, and I didn’t even get my heart-pumping action set to the theme song. There was one scene early in the movie where it all came together, but that was it.

Sequels (or in this case, installments) are money spinners. They are banking on an established brand name. And that’s fine. But don’t cut corners on the story or the acting to get my $11. At least pretend to try to earn it.

I walked out disappointed. I thought “Maybe I enjoyed the other Indiana Jones movies because I was much younger when I watched them.” But then I realized, no, that’s not it at all. This one is just plain bad.

1. If you think of the tune in your head, my lettering makes sense. Really [back]